My Pakistani Rishtadaars...

“Tring! Tring!” the phone bell continuously rings for two-minutes.

“Who is in such a state of desperation to talk to you, Mum?” I inquired rather irritatingly. “Oh! Wait, since today is the result day. There must be an overly concerned and worrisome ‘rishatdaar’ of ours at the other 

end of the phone.

 How many of us have not fallen a victim of such situations? Being Pakistani, I reckon most of us have usually in one phase or the other. Haven’t we?

Being a Pakistani has its own privileges, we get to relish ourselves with the summery delicacy of the mangoes. Mother Nature has blessed this ‘Land of Pure’ with numerous bounties, to start off:  the wide array of topography spreading form the Arabian Sea to the Himalayas, the local produced culinary fiestas and much more!

But, then come the people. In order to give us an identity we have been divided in to families (call it accident or birth or whatever you feel like!)  Where the real roller coaster rides begins and we begin our journeys as Pakistanis.

You must have guessed it by now I am paying tribute to no one other than our rishtadaars (relatives) in this article…. Yes! You’re read it correctly “Tribute to Rihstadaars”. After all they deserve it, as they excel in sparking the lightest of moments that fate has to offer and make sure they watch the entire show as the lava erupts.

“Oh! Acha, tum ne suna, us kay bate kp job milgaye?!”

(Oh! Have you heard that her son has found a job?)

“Bachare Munazzah ki talaq ho gaye… Bhaiya bohat pareshan hai!”

(Poor Munazzah has just got divorced, My brother is extremely worried.)

“Suna Tumne? Jaffat kay bête ka MIT mein admission ho gaya hai.”

(Have you heard? Jafar’s son got admitted to MIT.)

Now, most of you must have guessed of whom was I referring to. Yes! You’ve got it right. We all have this one highly alert lady in the family who has an eagle’s eye on all the happenings within the family. When I say ‘all’, I mean it! Every family has their own pet names for such respectable ladies, ranging from “Express News” to “BBC”.

“Haye! Haye! Bete ji, yeh tum ne kya pehna hua hai?”

(Oh my God! What in the world are you wearing, child?)

“Yeh tum sara din mobile peh kya tuk tuk lage rathe hon? Koi chakkar toh nai tumahara?”

(What do you do all day long on your mobile phone? Are you involved with someone?)

“Who bachi pathka hai, bohat badtameez hai!”

(That girl is bluntly straight forward, she is extremely rude!)

Yup, you’re right! The judgmental aunties… We all are blessed with her auspicious presence wither in the shape of a phupo (paternal aunt) or khala (maternal aunt). The lady HAS to object to anything that comes forth her, but she will defetinaly raise a voice against something that does not concern her!

“Us ki doosri beti bohat pyari or budhu hai, uska rishta mango apne bête kay liye.”

(Ask for her second daughter’s hand in marriage with your son, she’s pretty and a fool!)

“O! Beta is condition mein is tarah bahi bathatye, bache kay liye acha nahi hota.”

(O! child, you should never sit in such a posture it’s extremely unhealthy for the developing fetus.)

“1/2 kg doodh mein 2 spoon haldi daloor use boil karo or rooz subah nihaar pate peu. Patli ho gayo gi.”

(In ½ kg milk add 2 tablespoons of turmeric powder bring the mixture to boil and drink it for a few days, you’ll lose weight like anything!”)

The Advisory Aunties, her advises will be available to you on anything or anywhere, just muster up the courage and call her up and you’ll see the magic. Her recommendations will be freely available to a pregnant bahu (daughter in law) or the bride-to-be niece. Trust me, she’s got it all covered!

The uncles are not too far behind in the league, they know how to do their duties and they do it remarkably.

“Beta jab mein Berger meain that, waha paison ke bearish hoti thi”

(When I worked in Berger, Money poured their like cats and dogs.)

“1973 mein jab mein US gaya tha, waha peh mein President Nixon say mila tha…(gives his wild laugh) hum ne saath mein cigar pee thi.”

(When I visited the US in 1973, I met President Nixon there, we shared a cigar..hahaha)

Yup, the narcissist uncle. Someone who never gets tired of telling us his God-knows-how-old anecdotes. His names vary from Kahany-wale (story teller) uncle to Tape-recorder.

Another personality that most of us are blessed with…

“Beta, mein har kisi to meahwara nahi deta, abb sun lo meri.”

(Son, I do not advise every other person, just listen to me!)

“Haan! Haan! Woh ajj kal SSP hai. Mara bohat acha dost hai. Hum college mein saath thay.”

(Oh Yes!Yes! Hes a confidante of mine, we were in college together. He’s an SSP now.)

‘Bus use ek call kar do, aur mera naam lena, tumhara kaam bus youh ho gaye ga! (snaps his fingers)”

(Just call him up, take myname and your work will be done in no time at all!)

Yup, the know-it –all uncle. The uncle who knows everyone and everything. As a piece of advice, do not disrespect him, he might come handy. ;)

My friends, do not ponder over what people have to say. They'll always have something to say because:

 Therefore my advise to all: